I wrote a paper for my seventh grade World History class about the early statues of the ancient Greeks, a regiment of stiff dignitaries, their hair in rosettes that looked like Danish pastries. They stood with one foot awkwardly advanced, marching out of history, buttocks clenched, holes bored for pupils: a nordic brotherhood, bleached white. The early ones were porous and worn, pitted like corncobs, their muscles more sketched than sculpted by a few straight slashes across the torso. One of the few featured muscles in these simpler years was a marked bulge over the crest of the hip bone, and it perplexed me. I couldn't find that muscle on my own body, which was in other ways a lot like the slim teenage boys' the Greeks idealized. The next year, a friend and I invited ourselves into the pottery studio at the university and huddled together at one of the tables, making identical naked men out of red clay, outstretched flat like corpses. I incorporated the ancient Greek muscle, pleased with myself, sure my man would be realer and more complete than my friend's man. But when I showed her my finished work, she made fun of me; I had sculpted a little penis, but left out the balls. I had known there was some complicated business down there, but I wasn't sure if there was a real thing there with a definite shape, or just an unsignifying mess that you might leave out, for clarity. Hot-faced, I copied her work. Adding the balls made me guilty and ashamed. I felt high-minded about the penis: the ancient Greeks certainly knew about the penis. The penis was a simple, legendary fact, and to leave it out would be infantile. But the balls had no mythological status; they were smut. To include them was a sign of dubious knowledge, first, and prurient interest, second. We hid the men in the back rows of the drying racks, behind the pots. I was glad to distance myself from them, go outside to cool my burning cheeks.
I have a small mole on my right hip, from which two springy dark hairs grow, shaved off whenever I shave my legs, though I don't otherwise shave my upper thighs. Across my hips at the widest point are pale striations with a faint sheen to them, like a crochetted net just under the skin, like the cream curdling in coffee, just a little, and collecting into pale skeins. Though it is 'cellulite,' word that sounds like the brand name for a packing peanut, and makes me think of dank dressing rooms and curdy flesh glimpsed under a slipped towel, it is beautiful, like the brindle in a tabby cat's coat. Of course, it is also strange and worrying, like all things that turn up late in the day. I sanguinely thought I could avoid change by unremitting emanations of my will, a steady, comforting glow I could bask in my whole life, a tadpole in a puddle. The rays would melt off anomalies and excrescences, pits and bumps; I would keep the body I had as a kid, which was entirely malleable, almost boneless, uncharted and unrated, neither good nor bad, but springy and invisible like an angel's.
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