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How much have you spent so far on SDI—Star Wars? Stop paying for it. I’m worried for your kids. Privatize the Star Wars program. Let it have a bake sale to raise money. Let it rent out satellites. Let the Star Wars program mail out 100,000 letters a day that start “Dear American:” and end by asking for a donation. Let them try to explain to you directly that we need an X-ray laser in orbit in case we need to disarm a terrorist with a nuclear device in a briefcase in a crowded subway in Manhattan. Let them call your house and say, “Ah, yeah, Mrs. Enslin, I’m Sylvester Sherlock at the Strategic Defense Initiative calling to tell you about our new orbiting space laser. I was wondering if I could have a second of your time… Hello?” Dismantle the military. PENTAGON PROBES LEAK OF CHEMICALS INTO BERRIES CALIFORNIA CLOSING HOMELESS SHELTERS IN GUARD ARMORIES DEFENSE CHIEF ORDERS REVIEW OF FLIGHT SAFETY Weapons are dangerous. Here is a list of dollar figures, omitting those smaller than one million: ( ) Protect our soldiers: disarm them. Ban land-mines. Ban stealth planes. The B-2 Bomber is worth three times its weight in gold and is so fragile that for every hour spent exposed to weather it requires up to 124 maintenance hours. Oh waiter, my plane seems to have crashed. Can I have another? Send the military into the inner cities on a peacekeeping mission. Hand out rations and fatigues to the hungry and homeless. Let the gunfire cease and let there be peace at last. Give each welfare mom a stealth fighter. Give each homeless person a stealth fighter. Give everyone who refuses to work a nuclear missile. Give every orphaned child a Mars probe. Give those dependent on alcohol a tank. Give those who cannot afford rent artillery. Give those who cannot afford food a parachute. Give those who cannot read infra-red goggles that will allow them to see in complete darkness. Give those who cannot pay their hospital bills an armored personnel carrier. Billy has fallen off of the swingset and cut his knee. Here comes the helicopter. Sarah feels safe to walk alone down the street at night with her AK47. When Uncle John decided to tear down the old shed, he used a handgrenade. The following are free: flashlights, compasses, goggles, belts, backpacks, boots. At dawn there is the sound of helicopters and jets. Paratroopers descend by spotlight and APCs arrive, troops, in formation, storm the factory and replace all the workers at their positions. The workers are marched out into the parkinglot and given coffee and donuts, blankets, and medical attention. Above the most dangerous neighborhoods, lowflying helicopters drop twenty dollar bills. Bombs are taken apart. Their explosive material is removed and recycled as fuel. Their casings are large enough to create public beds for the homeless or simply tired. Guns and cannons have their barrels filled in. Rifles are used as canes and crutches. Larger barrels are recycled as lamposts, or used as beams to build lowcost housing. Barracks are opened to the homeless. Bases are opened to the elderly. Mess halls are opened to the insane. A tank, when stripped of all its weaponry, is just large enough for two people to sleep in. So the military drove them off the bases and in a slow procession down the highway and into Golden Gate Park, where they were covered with flowers and bequeathed to the homeless. Their power source was removed so they could not be driven—because otherwise someone might accidentally flatten a building. A stealth plane, when stripped of all its weaponry, likewise, can be converted into an extremely good shelter for a small number of people. Also, it is possible to stretch large sheets of canvas over the wings and use them as very dry tents in warm seasons. It is possible for twenty people to sleep beneath a B-2 comfortably, because of its large wings. Welfare never injured eight civilians. Affirmative action never fell apart in midair. Supplemental Security Income never leaked petroleum destroying an entire crop of berries. Socialized medicine will never cause Gulf War Syndrome. Editorial: America doesn’t need expensive stealth planes, America needs cheap conspicuous ones. After all, all those old moldy cold war planes were just for show. Deterrence. Mutually Assured Deficit. So what’s with all the secrecy? It’s time for a new strategy. A big $20 bomber parked right on the white house lawn for the nations of the world to see. Unpainted, with the bolts showing. In no way Top Secret: take a look at this plane. Build one yourself. We have a fleet of 200,000 and we saved 49 billion to do it. Complete blueprints for a dollar. If you invade us, Canada, we’ll clog your radar with our low-cost, unsafe bombers. After all, let’s face it, war is hell, and South Central Los Angeles ain’t exactly the garden of Eden. Let’s build a few cheap ugly planes and put them right where our hostile neighbors can see them. We’re rugged, unassailable, charming America. The news is public. It is your news. It is your story. Write it. |
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